Simple Things

HOW MANY OF YOU VOWED TO LOSE WEIGHT for your New Year’s resolution? Well, I didn’t, not this year. In previous years, I always started out with that goal in mind, and usually after two weeks worth of dieting, all I had lost was two weeks. 

     You would not believe (well maybe you would) the things I’ve done to try to lose weight.  One year I decided that exercise equipment would be the way to go.  I don’t feel comfortable going to a gym for workouts, so I bought a tread mill. Lots of us have done that, right?  Well, the tread mill didn’t get much exercise, but it was a good place to hang my extra quilts.  I finally sold it at a yard sale for less than half of what I paid for it, but it wanted a new home.  The next time I got the bug to exercise, I bought a stationary bicycle.  I was going to do big things with that bicycle.  I was going to really rack up the miles and burn off all that stubborn fat.  The stubborn fat is still here, but the stationary bicycle has moved on to clutter up someone else’s house.

     I thought I would scale down a little and buy something that didn’t take up so much room, so I got a “stepper”.  You could just put that little sucker anywhere and walk in place while watching TV or even reading a book.  Sure you could.  About the third time I rounded a corner and hit my little toe on that thing, it was relocated to the back of a closet, where I guess it still resides.

     Then there was the torture machine that resembled a Bow Flex (but was a cheaper version).  It had all these pull-down, pull-in, push-out, lift-up bars on it, and all I succeeded in doing was pinching my fingers between some of the bars.  There was one famous moment, when I was following the directions in the handbook that came with the machine.  I was supposed to lie down on the little narrow bench with my head tilted downward, then lift my legs and hold them straight up in the air for a count of 10.  By the time I got to 5, I was already tired and my legs were leaning a little more over my head than I had intended.  It’s kind of hard to get up from one of those little skinny benches when your legs are headed south, and your head is already there.  I didn’t think I would survive a backward somersault, so I opted to roll off sideways.  Must I say, I would never make the Olympics.

      These were only a few of the things I have tried to do for exercise, but the weight-loss effort that I remember the most was back in the 70’s.  I bought this pair of rubber shorts that went from waist to knee.  The theory was that you squeezed yourself into them, then attached a vacuum cleaner hose to the hole on the side, and the suction of the vacuum would help you to lose that pesky cellulite from your hips and thighs.  If you are picturing this now and are not yet in the floor rolling and laughing then you are a very kind person. ( I probably don’t need to say that it didn’t work - but thought I would mention it anyhow.)

     This is why I have determined that God wants me to be well-rounded.  I have accepted the fact that some of us here on earth have to stay fat so that all you skinny people can feel superior.  I don’t begrudge you that.

     I also have decided that I don’t want to lose a lot of weight because I don’t want to change my hair color.  Every person that I see on TV who lost a lot of weight had their hair turn blonde, and I just wouldn’t look good as a blonde.    Just tellin’ it the way I see it!  Have a very good day.

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