Simple Things

      Now that I’m older there are a few things that I’ve discovered: 

     “I started out with nothing; I still have most of it.”

     “My wild oats have turned into prunes and AllBran”

     “I finally got my head together, now my body is falling apart.”

     “It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.”

     “I wish the buck stopped here, I sure could use it.”

     “Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.”

     “It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.”

     “The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.”(or hot tub)

     “If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.”

     “These days I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter —- I go somewhere and then wonder what I’m here after.”

     If we cannot laugh at ourselves when we grow older, we have lost something very important along the way — our sense of humor.  I find everyday that a good sense of humor is necessary, unless you like being a grump.  Many times people tell me to “smile” and apparently think I’m not enjoying myself. Unfortunately, I was given a very small pouty mouth which requires a lot of effort to make it smile, now compounded by the sagging cheeks (upper - not lower) But it really doesn’t matter much if I can smile, as long as I can make someone else smile. 

      It rained so much here in my part of Alabama the last couple of days, the Governor is seeking more stimulus money to build us an ark. Of course, HE wants to add a bunch of slot machines and a Bingo parlor, and we’d have to name it after him, but that won’t be any more ridiculous than what other states are planning to do. Geez –I can’t get away from that subject, can I?   Sorry —- here’s another smile:

     The Senility Prayer: “God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do like, and the eyesight to tell the difference.”

  My blogging time has been seriously limited in the past couple of days, due to the above picture (if the picture prints) and the lousy weather we’ve been having.  When it gets this cloudy, I get bumped off the network quite often.

    Back to the picture; this little guy was dumped at the end of my driveway two days ago. Rather than allow my german shepard to have it for lunch, I rescued it and now am wondering what to do with it. The poor thing was so starved you could count every rib, and it’s back end was practically non-existant. Since I doubt that it is anorexic by choice, I assume that someone had just stopped feeding it. I can’t tell the age, but it’s between 6 months to infinity, and looks like part chihuahua.

     I’m thinking of naming it “Stimulus Bill” since it was dumped on my doorstep without any ‘disclosures’, will cost me more money in the long run, and at first appearance is very pathetic. But for now, I call him “critter”.  He looks a lot like the smaller critter on the “Ren & Stempy” cartoon. 

     Must keep it short today; the thunder is rolling, the lightning flashing, and the rain falling in buckets. I’ll not complain about the rain, as I’m looking forward to the flowers that are just under the surface. That’s kind of a metaphor for life, isn’t it.

      I suppose being a “dog dump” has it’s beauty, too. I found another reason to believe that I have been put here for a purpose, even if that purpose is to rescue “critters”.

   Uncle Sam now wants to know everywhere I go, and tax me for the number of miles I drive. He’s not gonna be too happy with the results from MY vehicle; I’ll be one of the lowest taxed people in the country.

     My traveling each week consists of the post office, the grocery store, sometimes all the way to WalMart, and occasionally to babysit my grandchildren. Oohhhh, I’m really going to rack up the miles (and I’m such a security risk!)

     Not only will they have trouble finding someplace on the body to stick the thing (stuff don’t stick well to rust) but they’ll have to keep it out of the way of the pedals. See, I can pedal up to 20 miles an hour on flat ground. It’s a little harder getting up the hills, but I can make it all the way to 40 goin’ downhill, and the hound dogs in the back really get a kick out of havin’ their ears blowin’ in the wind.

     That’s about how stupid our government thinks we are. It’s such a shame that the numb-skulls can’t work on something more important than finding new ways to make us pay taxes. It would be fantastic if they would concentrate on spending our money for more useful purposes.

     The “new deal” we are getting from the stimulus package is a joke.  But then, according to our congressmen, “the general public is not concerned with the details”.

     Ah, for the days of my youth, when I could drive my ‘64 Ford anywhere I wanted, on gas that was a few cents a gallon, and the only people who were concerned with my location were my parents.

      I used to use Sundays for catching up on my sleep, (of course, the days that you can sleep late, you never want to). That was “back in the day” when I had to work for a living. Now I let my husband work for my living, and I’m proud to let him do it. 

     I still can’t sleep late, any day of the week. I am awake by 6 a.m. at the latest (if I can ignore the rooster crowing outside and the dog inside that wants to go out by 5 a.m.)   I had turned my back on going to church, there was so much else I wanted to do with my time. But recently I decided that as my years draw me closer to the time I’ll be meeting the one who put me here, (the space ship is due to arrive in 2050) I should perhaps go back to church for a little refresher course.

     All joking aside, I was reminded today of the following:  “What if God woke up one morning and decided that He didn’t feel like blessing us today? What if He decided to stop leading us tomorrow because we don’t follow Him very well anyhow?

     What if we never saw another flower bloom because God was tired of us grumbling when He sends the rain? What if the door of the church was locked today because we didn’t stand up for our religious freedom yesterday?

     What if God took away His word, because we weren’t listening? What if God stopped loving us because we didn’t love others?

     What if God answered our prayers, the way we answer his call to serve him?

     What if we suddenly decided it was time to get this country right with God and back on the goals we set when our forefathers wrote “One nation, under GOD, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all?”

     God is disappearing from our lives, people, and once he’s gone - he’s not coming back until it’s all over!

     Country lanes should always look like the one in the picture. Unfortunately, there are some people in this world (city-folk usually) who think that any country lane just begs to have trash dumped on it.

     It is beyond my comprehension (and that’s a big word for me), why any human thinks that their trash would be more at home sitting beside a country road than out in the city dump, where it would have the company of lots of other city trash.

     Last week we found a recliner sitting near the turn-around for the school bus. Had it not rained all night on the chair, someone might have picked up the poor stray and taken it home.  Instead, one of the men from the local hunting club put a “For Sale” sign in the seat of the chair. (There were no takers.)

     Not only do we find chairs, but couches, televisions, lamps, boxes of clothing, etc.  If the people who do the dumping would only contribute a couple boxes of food, we could set up housekeeping for some homeless person.

     I shouldn’t even get on the subject of the other things that people dump on our road. Cats and dogs show up on occasion, and though I am an animal lover, there is a limit to the number I can bring home.

     If it were possible, I would mount cameras in the trees at all the tempting dump sites. I would find the “dumpsters” in their homes, then in the dark of night when they were sound asleep, I would bring a truck load of the stuff I have to keep cleaning out of my chicken house, and put it right at their front door. Then I think I would attach a note ” If I have to put up with your s_ _ _ , then you have to put up with mine!”

       Remember when you were  a child and your parent said “No”?  If you are over 50, you remember that a “no” would be followed by a smack on the cheek (upper or lower) if you did not comply — immediately.

     Some parents well schooled in the art of inspiring authority did not need to take any physical action at all. My dad could simply look at me over the top of his glasses and call out my full name — that was enough to send my knees to shaking. The man never hit me, he never had to. Not that I was that good, (yeah - right) but I had such respect for him that it broke my heart to have him angry with me. Now Mom could use the paddle or more likely a switch from some ugly bush outside in the yard, but it never hurt as bad as the “look” from Daddy. 

     Yes, I respected my Mom too, but there was just something different.  I knew I could snow her, or start to cry before she whipped me, and the swats would be a lot less enthusiastic. (Not to mention, I could run much faster and she usually gave up the chase quickly!)

    When I became a parent myself, we were cautioned not to spank our children, for fear that they would suffer some kind of social anxiety, so my children were a little less likely to be impressed by my authority.

     Today, oh, Lord - you can’t even speak unkindly to your child in the presence of other people without facing the possibility of being prosecuted for child abuse. Children no longer respect their parents, all thanks to a society of “bleeding hearts” who think that “violence is not the answer”. Can you people say “Noah and the ark?” How about “Soddom & Gamorrah”?  Sometimes it takes a little enthusiastic physical effort to get your point across.

     Before I launch into another sermon, I’ll settle down and close with the following poem (author unknown):

     I asked God to take away my pride. God said NO,  It is not for me to take away, but for you to give it up.

     I asked God to grant me patience. God said NO, Patience is a by-product of tribulation, it isn’t granted.

    I asked God to give me happiness. God said NO,  I give you blessings, happiness is up to you.

    I asked God to make my spirit grow. God said NO, you must grow on your own, but I will prune you.

    I asked God to help me love others, as much as he loves me. God said —Ah, finally you have the idea!

  Humans are amazing things; there’s no end to the stupidity that normally intelligent people can exhibit at times.  For instance the people who write instructions on the labels of everyday items, must suddenly slip over into the Twilight Zone. The following are some warnings and instructions that have been found on various items:

     On a hairdryer:  “Do not use while sleeping.” (No problem, I usually wait till I’m in the shower)

     On a bag of Fritos: “You could be a winner, no purchase necessary.” (this one must have been directed at shoplifters)

     On a bar of scented soap: “Use like regular soap.” (thanks for that, I was about to use it like irregular soap.)

     On a frozen dinner: “Serving suggestion: Defrost” (Why? I like frozen salisbury steak)

     On the packaging of an iron: “Do not iron clothes on body.” (They take the fun out of everything, don’t they)

     On children’s cough medicine: “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.” (Duh!)

     On a can of peanuts: “Warning, this product contains peanuts.” (this person must have been drinking that cough medicine)

     Speaking of stupid people, I am reminded of an incident that happened here in Alabama some time ago. A young man was wanted for breaking and entering, and the police were looking for him in a wooded area behind the neighborhood where he was last seen. As they combed the area, almost ready to give up the search, one of the men heard a cellphone ringing from above his head.  He looked up and spotted the thief hiding in the branches of the tree. The young man was caught, thanks to his Mom calling to tell him that the police were still looking for him.

God must love stupid people - he made so many of them!

   After a few days of beautiful weather here in Northern Alabama, we are having the opposite today. Storm warnings abound and the weather man is having one of the moments that he lives for.  I love our local weatherman, but he gets so excited when it’s his time to monopolize the television station.  He can talk for hours on end about virtually nothing, and give such a detailed weather report that we wonder how we ever survived a storm without him.  The thunder is rolling right now, but I’m going to try to get this in before the power goes out. 

    Speaking of weather men and news people, it really gets me at times that they think we have to actually SEE them standing out in the rain, or at the site of some big accident, before we believe that it is true. I have always been able to tell on my own whether it was raining or not, and I can hear the wind and thunder, so I really don’t need some fool standing outside getting wet and wind-blown.  This brings me to another point; I’m sure the whole world thinks that everybody in Alabama is stupid, due to the characters that they pick to interview on television after the storms ( or the accident) has happened.  They always show some older person with no teeth who describes the funnel cloud, “Yep, I seed it comin’ over that there hill, and it took off the top of the shed - whoop - jest like that - it was gone.”  Honestly, we don’t all sound like that.

     Oops, I got to go - I hear that there storm a-comin’ and I better git myself and the dogs down to the tater cellar.

     I’m not sure who originally posted this on the internet, and credit is definately due the author. I wanted to share it with you, since it is very appropriate for those of us over 50:

                  A’s for arthritis & B’s the bad back,

                  C is for chest pains, perhaps cardiac?

                  D is for dental decay and decline,

                  E is for eyesight, can’t read that top line.

                  F is for fissures and fluid retention,

                  G is for gas which I’d rather not mention.

                  H for high blood pressure - I’d rather it low

                  I for incisions with scars you can’t show.

                  J is for joints, out of socket, won’t mend.

                  K is for knees that crack when they bend.

                  L for libido, what happened to sex?

                 M for memory, I forget what comes next.

                 N for neuralgia, in nerves way down low,

                 O is for osteo, the bones that don’t grow.

                 P for prescription, I have quite a few. Just give me a pill and I’ll be good as new.

                 Q is for queasy, is it fatal or flu?

                 R is for reflux, one meal turns to two.

                 S for sleepless nights, counting my fears,

                 T for tinnitus, there’s bells in my ears.

                 U is for urinary, big troubles with flow,

                 V is for vertigo; that’s dizzy, you know.

                 W is for worry, now what’s going ’round?

                  X is for X-ray, and what might be found.

                  Y is another year, I’m left here behind,

                  Z is for zest I still have - in my mind.

       Ain’t it the truth!  As I go forward into the second half of my lifetime - I’m determined to find the humor in everything.

     “If Things Get Better With Age, Then I’m Approaching Perfect!”

     My big day is finally here! I made it to 60! Now that I’m halfway thru my life, I can start coasting downhill. These are a few things I discovered about growing older:

   1) Everything hurts, and what doesn’t hurt, doesn’t work.

   2) My mind makes committments that my body can’t keep.

  3) I look forward to dull evenings.

  4) I can sink my teeth into a steak, but they stay there.

  5) I know all the answers, but nobody asks me the questions.

  6) I think of speed limits as a challenge.

  7) I sing along with elevator and grocery store music.

  I used to dread getting older because I wouldn’t be able to do all the things I wanted to do, but as I got older I found out that I didn’t want to do them now.

     I’ve decided from today on, to find a reason to be happy each day.  An undertaker friend once told me that “Any day above ground is a good day”- so I’ll stick with that.