Simple Things

     “Money can buy you a fine dog, but only love can make him wag his tail.”

      Have you ever had 60 lbs. of slobbering, energetic furball jump into your lap when you’re trying to enjoy your morning coffee outside in the cool morning air?  Believe me, it’s a real thrill (if it’s a dog, that is).  I guess there are other 60 lb. slobbering things that would not be a joy to meet at any time of day.

     My mix-breed-mostly-german-shepard dog, thinks he’s a toy poodle apparently, as he wants to sit on my lap if I’m outside in a seated position.  He does not realize that he outgrew this priviledge some time ago.  His size alone is enough to deter the wandering deer and turkey that would make our yard their playground if he were not here.  Little do they know that underneath all that fur beats a heart of gold.

     Now, on the other hand ~ there is the little fellow that we recently rescued when he was dumped near my home. He’s almost 5 lbs. of pure terror.  There are no ankles safe from harm when he’s around.  Chihuahuas amaze me! They are so tiny, and yet in their own eyes they are equal to taking on critters that are 10 times their size.  Widget (the little one in the picture) thinks he is the supreme guard dog at this home. Perhaps I should have named him “Sarge”, as he struts through the house like his duty is to keep everyone else towing the line.  Head up, ears perked to their highest point, tail waving high in the air, he patrols the front door and the deck to make sure all is well. 

     The only problem I have found so far, with his determined protectiveness, is that I do not especially like to be awakened at 3 a.m. because he heard something outside that he did not like.  That sharp, piercing little bark can put your teeth on edge very quickly.  I’ll never forget one of the first days that he was with us, he suddenly discovered his reflection in the full-length mirror on the bathroom door.  It was time for all-out war with the intruding creature and it took two humans to convince him that there was nothing harmful in the reflection.

     In many ways, the company of dogs is preferable to humans, (that is, unless they have recently eaten something that disagrees with their digestive system ~ a problem which the one lying on the floor next to me seems to have right now!)   Ugh!

     Dogs never judge you, even though that new hairstyle is just a little weird; and your clothing looks like you just crawled out of the Good Will collection box.  Dogs don’t care if you’re so fat you can’t see your feet, or so skinny that they can’t see you if you turn sideways.  Each time you walk into the room is just as exciting to them as it was the last time.

      You know how some people decide to have children to “save” a marriage that isn’t working?  Well, they should get a dog or two instead.  Dogs can give you all the challenges that children can, and can learn in just a few lessons the important things like where to go potty and when to be quiet.  Dogs will never ever talk back when you correct them and will never ask for money or the car keys.  Unconditional love is their only requirement, and what they always give in return.

      Oh, there are plenty of humans that I love, but there are times when they all have priorities with their own families, jobs and responsibilities.  A dog is never too busy for a hug or to listen to you bitch about all the things that are bothering you, and they will never, ever correct you.

      So my advice to anyone who seeks comfort, undying love and a willing listener ~ get a DOG!

       I was meant to be a “redneck” ~ long before I moved to Alabama.  How do I know this is so, you might ask?  Perhaps because the things I find most interesting in life are things like a racecar flying thru the air, ending a Nascar race in traditional style (totally demolished) but with a driver who hops out unharmed and trots over to the finish line.  The driver was a young man named Carl Edwards, who wanted to finish the race ~ even if it was on foot!  Now that’s determination!

     It proves that there are still people who have a dedication to what they do (no matter how dumb other people may think it is).  Too bad that more true Americans are not like this young man, determined to see things through to the end, no matter what the personal cost.

     Yes, give me a stock car race anytime, instead of listening to a news reporter praise the fashion sense of the President’s wife.  Ya’ll really care what the woman wears?  If you do, then I feel very sorry for you, and wonder if you miss your common sense.

     I suppose I’ll prove today that I am indeed a “redneck”, left-wing, southern-fried American, as I want to tell you about a magazine that you should be reading. Some will call it “conspiracy theory b.s.”, but you might just see a grain of truth in it.  It’s called “Whistle Blower” and its’ creators certainly tried to get to the truth about the proof (or lack thereof) of Obama’s birth certificate.  I won’t go into it any deeper, as I would like to stay on the internet, and get really tired of people telling me that my opinion is wrong.  I always thought opinions were the personal property of the giver ~ and I know they are just what my uncle used to say:  “Opinions are like assholes, everybody’s got one!”

      Now I’ll be nice and say that I respect everybody’s opinion, and the right to give it.  Too bad that the Miss California who recently voiced her opinion when asked a question, lost out on being Miss USA because they did not like her opinion.  I always thought honesty was one of the things they wanted a Miss USA to have.

     I hate to hear about the new flu virus, I’m sure it will get a lot worse before it gets better. Of course, being a “redneck” it’s just one more thing I’d like to blame on Mexico, but perhaps there is another reason that this new virus has popped up.  Maybe God’s trying to tell us something, and as usual, we’re too stupid to listen.

     “There’s nothing written in the Bible, Old or New Testament, that says ‘If you believe in me, you ain’t gonna have no troubles’.”   (Ray Charles)

     Oh, dear!  Now they’re telling us again that eating meat which has been “charred” is bad for us! 

     If the cave man had only known not to cook that dinosaur steak over an open flame, charring it to perfection, he might have lived another year or two (if he managed to not become sushi for the T-Rex, that is!)

      The cowboys out on the range may not have eaten steak, (not wanting to alarm the cows they were herding), but I’m sure they cooked more than beans over that camp fire. A nice wild rabbit or maybe even a deer would have tasted great while out there on the trail.

      Grandma and Grandpa were a little more modernized, but they still cooked some of their meat over the open flame in the fireplace, and these days you can’t get thru the summer without firing up the BBQ grill or the smoker.

      Man has always craved his meat with a little charring, so why stop now!  I don’t think it’s the fault of the meat ~ more likely it’s the fault of the chemicals that are in your lighter fluid and in the charcoal itself. 

      Here’s the thing ~ we’re all going to die of something~ it’s inevitable.  They (the mysterious scientists who have nothing better to do) warn us each day of something new that is bad for us to eat or drink.  I think it’s a conspiracy begun by the people in Hollywood, who seem to want us all to believe that God meant for us to look like sticks with beautiful hair and white teeth.

     Therefore, as I must someday leave this confusing world behind, I personally will go with the memory of charred meat, coffee with lots of caffiene, peanut butter, McDonald’s french fries; and clutching my last deep fried Twinkie in my old, cold hands. 

     Okay, now you done pissed off all us Southerners who were looking forward to the Talladega race this weekend. Dale. Jr. has lots of fans around here, and there will be many unhappy people at that racetrack on Sunday. I sure wouldn’t want to be a Nascar official on that weekend! (Maybe they should attend the race in disguise!)

     When I started watching Nascar twenty years ago, I was a Dale Earnhart, Sr. fan; therefore I moved my alliegence over to Junior when his daddy died.   Twenty years ago, racing was really fun to watch, but like everything else, they’ve ruined it with all the rules and regulations.  There was nothing as thrilling as seeing Dale Sr. do his little “tap” on the rearend of somebody’s car, sending them up the track enough that he could pass and take the lead.  But, of course, somebody had to whine and now it’s no longer as interesting.

      Well, I’m sure not going to be watching any racing this weekend. (I hope it rains on the next six racedays!)  Remember folks, the racing started down here in the South with all the moonshine runners.  Go pick on some golfers or football players and leave the Nascar drivers alone!

      “If everything seems under control, you’re just not going fast enough!”  (Mario Andretti)

      What would have happened if Chavez had given Obama a copy of any other book?  Do you think any of them would have become number two on the Amazon list?  (Thankfully, Chavez did not give him a copy of Playboy!)

     I have some suggestions of books that would be good to give to Pres. Obama:  How about “Grapes of Wrath”, so he can study up on what’s going to happen to our country in the months and years to come.  How about “Pride and Prejudice” or “Sense and Sensibility”, or hey, how about “The Bible”?

      The Bible would have been the best gift our President could have been given, especially if it prompted an outpouring of Bible purchases ~ and it wouldn’t hurt him to read a little of it also.  I’m not sure the man is all that familiar with it.  But I do think he has been reading something on “How to Apologize in Thirty Languages.”  Okay, I’ll stop knocking the Pres.

     Books were so very important to me when I was growing up.  Living in a small town gave little opportunity to get glimpses of the big wide world out there; books were the way I learned how wonderful the rest of that world was.

     I remember one summer, when I was about 14, I wanted to read the thickest book in the library, (other than reference books).  I picked the biggest one I could find, which turned out to be the life story of Michaelangelo.  I can remember none of it today, but I did read the whole book during the summer; and a few more besides that one.

       I always envied the librarian, being all closed up day after day with all those glorious books!  I probably should have become a librarian, but I chose another path. 

     These days, I cannot walk into a Waldenbooks or a Books-A-Million without buying something.  More and more often, I see hundreds of books being placed on the mark-down tables because they are not selling.  Of course, this is a gold mine for me, but not so good for the future of book stores.

     Many magazines are either going online, or ceasing to publish, as the subscriptions and off-the-shelf purchases continue to fall.  This worries me, as a lover of all things written; without books, magazines and newspapers, we will be more exposed to the one-sided reporting that we get from our news stations.  What better friend to have on a cold winter night than a book which can take you to another time and place.

     “A word is not a crystal, transparent and unchanging, it is the skin of a living thought and may vary greatly in color and content according to the circumstances and time in which it is used.” (Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.)

     “Don’t join the book burners. Don’t think you’re going to conceal faults by concealing evidence that they ever existed. Don’t be afraid to go in your library and read every book.” (Dwight D. Eisenhower)

     So they think it’s time to charge the over-weight people for an extra seat ~ well, I have a few ideas about other ways the airlines can make extra money:

     Ever sit next to a screaming child on an airplane? There should be a noise charge when we have to endure that.

     Been seated next to a guy who is air-sick and drank a few quarts of beer before he got on the plane?  There should be a “throwing-up” charge if you up-chuck while you’re on the plane.  What a great smell!!

     Speaking of smells, how about having to sit next to a skinny little woman who apparently was involved in an explosion at the perfume factory just before she boarded. There should be a charge for “smelling too strongly”.  It makes you grab for the oxygen mask while seated 6 rows back!

     How about the fellow with the “gas” problem?  Bad enough for the one who has to sit beside him ~ but how about the ones who sit right behind him!  Whoa! Bring back that oxygen mask!

      How about a charge for “getting out of your seat too often”?  Ever sit on the aisle seat and have one or two people constantly getting up and crawling over you to go to the bathroom?  (Even more fun if it’s the guy with the gas problem!)

      Be reasonable people!  In these days when all we hear is “equal rights” and “discrimination” ~ what the heck do you think this is?  And is it not profiling?

     In case you’re wondering ~ I am over-weight, but not enough that I can’t fit in one of those seats (with the arm-rest down).  I just think it’s wrong to start picking on a specific size person.  If I got MY way, all skinny bleached blondes would get a seat ON TOP of the airplane! (I’m entitled to have white hair ~ I earned it!)

     It’s almost that time of year when the Class Reunion rolls around ~ and this year I think I’m going to go.  It’s been 42 years since I graduated from high school and I’ve only been to one reunion.  Not that I didn’t care to know what happened to my old classmates ~ I just had other things going on and lived far enough away that “plans” had to be made. (I hate making “plans” these days ~ I live spontaneously).

     But this year is different ~ this year I feel the call of familiar things ~ things from my youth.  Maybe it’s because I’m 60 years old now (and so are the rest of them) and I don’t have to worry about how badly I’ve aged.  Of course, if I get there and find out that the “beauty queens” have all had liposuction and everything “lifted”, I’m still going to be upset!

     All these years later is the time we’re supposed to be on the same level again.  We should all be showing signs of the years gone by.  Oh, I know some will still have that “something” that always made them the leaders, the in-crowd, the elite; but I’m looking forward to seeing some sagging bellies and double chins.   The conversations will have turned from basketball scores and the dating scene, to discussions of the latest arthritis medications and pictures of the grandkids. 

     I’m pretty sure I’ll remember all the faces, and hopefully, the names that go with them.  I’ll hug people that I wouldn’t have touched back in high school because they weren’t part of my crowd.  We’re all part of the same crowd now.

     Someone will say ~ “Hey, do you remember ………..” and we’ll all share stories of days gone by.  We’ll share in the joys and the tragedies of the past years, and also the hope and retirement plans of the future.  I’ll let you know how it goes!

     “Each has his past shut in him like the leaves of a book known to him by heart, and his friends can only read the title.”(Virginia Woolf)

     “Beautiful young people are accidents of nature, but beautiful old people are works of art.” (Eleanor Roosevelt)

     The man in the photo is my father.  He is long gone from this life, but I wonder what he would have thought of some of the things going on in our world today. 

     He never saw a personal computer, a cell phone, or a DVD player.  He would not have been interested (or impressed) by any of these things.  Oh, he might have enjoyed the DVD player if he could have watched old westerns and detective movies on it ~ but if there was one cuss-word or any kind of seductive activity ~ it would have been off in a flash!

      My Daddy served his country from 1944 to l946 in the United States Army.  He had to leave his wife and small daughter and a job as a “flour packer”,  to go to war.  He did his job well, earning a Bronze Star as well as other medals. His highest rank was Staff Sergeant in the Infantry.

     I told you all that to tell you this ~ he would be ashamed of the citizens of this country today.  He believed in the Golden Rule above all ~ he was a fine Christian, but he would be shaken to his boots to see what we have become.  He was not racially biased, but he would have been appalled to see the kind of man (not color ~ but kind) that is running our country.

     To think that all he fought to preserve has been turned into the laughing stock of the entire civilized world.  From a time when our country would take no crap from any source, to a time when we allow a small boatload of terrorists (pirates ~ whatever you want to call them) to have us “making a deal”.

     On this Easter weekend, I pray that the man who is being held captive by these “pirates” be delivered safely to his family, but without a show of total cowardice by the United States government.

     Peace be with you!

     “I detest a man who hides one thing in the depths of his heart, and speaks for another.” (Homer)

     Some of those old boys from way “back in the day”  were pretty smart fellows.  A lot of their insights are still true today. I’m not going to get up on my soap-box, because no matter what I think of our government and our current administration,  there’s little I can do to change anything, so I’m just waiting.

     Some say, “Yep, that’s what’s wrong with America ~ we just sit back and do nothing.”  Well I’m here to tell ya that if you can suggest something that an old white woman can do to bring drastic changes to Washington, D.C. ~ tell me.

     Don’t tell me to write to my congressman or state representative or any of those yokels.  I’ve seen state offices ( in Alabama) in action and I know what happens to most of the letters and emails received there. 

     First of all, some bored little fresh-out-of-college-with-a-business-degree, relative of the politician, will sort thru the mail (in between coffee breaks and fixing their hair). Anything important looking (like from another State office) will get passed on to another desk.  The remaining mail will be opened, scanned over to see if it’s anything interesting, then tossed into the trash pile.

     Now if it’s nearing election time, or some special event is on the horizon, one or two of those letters might be taken from the pile to be used as an “example” for inclusion in a speech or a television commercial.   If you think the politician really gives a flying fart what you think ~ you’re more out of touch with reality than I am.

      So, I’m waiting and wondering what’s coming for our dear old USA.  Yes, I’m cynical ~ yes, I’m sarcastic ~ and yes, I’m scared.  Like many people of my generation, I had big plans for the things I would do after I reached the “golden years”. Thanks to a dwindling 401K, and a shaky Social Security system, I’ll have to go find a greeters job at Walmart, (if I can get ahead of all those pesky 90-year-old’s who are going back to work), or I’ll be waiting tables at a local restaurant.  If you’re lucky, you won’t be eating at any place where I’m a waitress.   I’m grouchy ~ and I don’t really care what you want to eat.  I’m slow ~ so you’ll have to wait until I can toddle over to your table with the food ~ if I don’t spill it first.  And don’t plan on me coming back your way for refills ~ I got too tired on the first trip.  (Hey, this sounds a lot like the waitresses I usually get, who are in their teens and twenties!)

     I could get a job at the Post Office maybe ~ I can cram those letters and magazines into that little box just as good as the younger folks.  (I haven’t received a good copy of a magazine for years ~ they’re always rolled up or folded with a few pages all pushed into a wrinkled mess, or corners of a few pages torn completely off.) 

      Who am I kidding ~ I don’t want to go back to work. I put in my time with the general public; that’s why I’m hiding out here in the country.

     My old copy machine fizzled out on me over the weekend and I had to go purchase a new one. Of course, I went to Walmart ~ need you even ask?  I bought a new Kodak ESP-3, and it’s really nice.  It was the easiest one to install that I’ve ever bought, and it does all kinds of neat stuff.

     Okay, didn’t come here to today to advertise for Kodak, but just had to put that word in, in case anyone is looking for a new printer.

     The main reason for going to town, was to purchase the tags for our vehicles for the year.  I still don’t think that’s fair!  I bought them, paid sales tax to get them, then have to pay personal property tax just because I have them ~ something is wrong somewhere.  We had the choice of “God Bless America” tags or the new “Heart of Dixie” ones which they brought back this year for Alabama.  I should have taken the “God Bless America” ones, but got the other instead ~ don’t suppose it matters as the only ones who pay attention to our tags are the police or the state patrol.  No, I’m not saying that the cops are on the lookout for me ~ I’m a law abiding citizen ~ really!

     You may not believe it, but the only time I’ve ever been stopped for anything (probably jinxing myself here) was back in high school.  I was just “cruisin” with some of my friends when one of the girls had to take a “bathroom break”. Now this was 9 p.m. or later, and in a small town, where nothing was open.   Taking a chance, we stopped at a closed service station that had a large open field behind it (with tall weeds). You know where I’m going here ~ she jumped out to do what she had to do ~ after we had looked around to make sure that no one was noticing us.  Just as she was coming back to the car, a city policeman pulled up behind us, red lights flashing, sending all of us into a panic.  You know the drill~ “Evening ladies ~ and what are you doing out here this late at night? You know this service station is closed.”

      “Yes, sir, we do, but ~~~~~ ah, ~~~~~ well, ~~~~~ one of us had a small problem and ~~~~ uh ~~~.”

     After much stuttering, he got the picture and with a warning that we should go home now before we got into trouble, he let us go.

     Oh, can’t help it ~ this reminds me of a joke ~

     A young woman was pulled over for speeding, and right away she decided she would try to charm her way out of a ticket.  When the man approached her with his ticket book in hand, she smiled and said,  “Hello, officer, I’ll bet you’re going to try to sell me some tickets to the policeman’s ball, aren’t you?”

     The officer, looked at her over the rim of his sunglasses and said, “Lady, I’m not a policeman ~ I’m an Alabama State Trooper, and we don’t have any balls.”

     For a few very uncomfortable moments, they continued to look at each other, then the State Trooper tucked his ticket book under his arm and without another word, returned to his car.  The young lady decided it best to hide the laughter threatening to explode from her chest, until she had pulled away from the befuddled trooper.

      My husband was stopped once while going thru a small town in Georgia.  When the cop pulled us over, he asked my husband if there was a problem.  He said “Yes, it’s her fault”~~~~~~ pointing at me.  “And why would it be her fault?” the cop asked.  “Because she’s mad at me and hasn’t bitched about my driving for the last half hour,”  he said. 

     “Well, sir, I know how you feel, but you’re the one with your hands on the steering wheel, so you’re the one who gets the ticket ~ maybe she’ll help you pay for it.”

     Those last 50 miles were the quietest ones we’ve ever driven together ~ all the while, me itching to let loose with one of those  I-told-you-so’s.